What NOT to give her for Valentine's Day

What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:   
   
1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you
ate all the caramel ones.
2.  Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's
Secret model.
3.  Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4.  Any food item with the words "diet", "light",  or "high fiber" on the label.
5.  Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Angelina Jolie.
6.  Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from
Nantucket..."
8.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of
Sears.
10.  A gift certificate.
11.  Cash.
12.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way
over, even if you didn't.       
13.  An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"